


Looking Ahead

by JustLindsay



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Christmas fic, F/M, tropey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-27 11:05:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17160863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustLindsay/pseuds/JustLindsay
Summary: Rafael takes a journey to see what lays ahead of him if he keeps going the way he is. Or what could be, should he change.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to get this up yesterday. Happy Holidays my loves!

Bringing a hand up Rafael clears away the sleep gunk holding his eyelashes closed. He looks at the ceiling, noting the dark still bearing down on the city, and wonders what it is that has woken him. Turning his head Rafael sees the source of his abrupt departure from the dreaming world, he should be more startled than he is right now. Rafael is too tired to be frightened. Too tired to question what is happening.

There, in his bedroom, Rafael stares at an unknown figure standing at his bedside. It looks like a rather bored and impatient teenager. But it is backlit for some reason? Rafael sits up and pokes his head to either side of the figure, trying to determine the source of the light. Not seeing any he looks back to this seemingly teenage person.

Finally they make eye contact and the teenager sighs, “are you done gawking at me?”

“Where is that light coming from?” Rafael asks. 

“Really, that’s what you wanna start with? Not, who are you, why are you in my bedroom? Anything like that?” This teenager’s tone takes on that of a disappointed mentor. 

Rafael ponders those questions with a wrinkled brow before turning a questioning glance to the teenager once more.

Another sigh, “ghost of Christmas Future, at your service?”

Now Rafael has plenty of questions, what comes out is, “future? Aren’t I supposed to be visited by Christmas Past, then the present, and then you?”

“Look, us ghosts only have so much time to get to all these wayward souls to guide through their holiday misery and misdeeds. So we are splitting up whenever we can for optimization. Get it?” This teenage ghost - apparently - drops a hip, looking more impatient still.

“So you are only going to show me my future Christmases?” Rafael is feeling more awake now.

Pulling a phone out of their, likely, spectral pocket the teenage apparition starts tapping away on the screen. They come off as uninterested. This ghost portrays a teenage disposition well, though, Rafael supposes, it is likely centuries old. 

So, apparently, Rafael is choosing to go with this ghost angle…

“Isn’t that implied in the name?” The absolute sass. Rafael is sure this indifference to their charge is a powerful tool in helping make decisions for one’s future.

Shrugging Rafael stands from his matress, ready for the journey he guesses he will be taking.

“Is there time for me to put on shoes?” Looking at his naked feet Rafael worries they will be cold wherever they are going to.

“No,” says the ghost, forcefully hitting send on their phone screen. 

Quickly their surroundings change. No - not their surroundings - rather the time of day has changed. Rafael swivels his torso to look around, without moving his feeting, and he is confused. Is it simply morning now?

“Is it Christmas morning?” Rafael asks.

Putting their phone away the teenage nods, “yes, it’s a Christmas morning, it doesn’t really matter what year I pick to show you, they’re all the same anyway.”

The ghost gestures in front of them, indicating Rafael should go. The ghost follows, and somehow manages to make the sound of their steps sarcastic. 

What Rafael walks into isn’t a Christmas morning as most would hope to see it. Instead the scene before him shows a tired man, grey, and aging. He is hunched over paperwork with a frown on his face. 

The ghost figure stands just behind Rafael as they both look on at this older version of himself.

“Olivia texted you this morning, to wish you a Merry Christmas, from her and Noah. You haven’t answered.” Their tone is much more sincere this time, “You’ve been too caught up in the current case you are litigating. Working, on Christmas morning.”

Walking their way around the couch the ghost sits next to the older Rafael, looking at this lonely figure. If Rafael could discern more of the ghost’s face he would think it seemed sad, almost.

“She stopped inviting you to spend the holidays with her and Noah when you turned her down five years in a row.” Rafael feels the teenager’s gaze pierce his corporeal form. 

There is judgement coming toward him and Rafael feels like a coward when he can’t meet the gaze.

More tapping comes from the direction of the teenager, typing away on the phone again. Suddenly they aren’t in Rafael’s apartment anymore. 

The floors are still hardwood, but it’s very worn. Creeky. There are people milling about. Wandering, aimlessly. Rafael feels sad looking at them, these old people looking lost and confused. Now he begins to wonder why the ghost has brought him here. What did this have to do with him?

“Why are we here?” Rafael asks, still not meeting the look he feels the ghost shooting into the side of his head.

From his periphery the ghost’s hand gestures toward the doorway, and in comes walking an old man with Rafael’s face.

“This is the assisted living where you live now, your savings allowed for a nicer one. Some others aren’t so lucky,” and the setting changes.

Now they stand on linoleum tiles under fluorescent lighting overhead. There is a distinct smell of disinfectant. Rafael wants to weep. He thinks he knows who they are going to find here, but he asks anyway, “who lives here?”

“Olivia Benson,” the ghost says, tone harsh and accusing.

The name settles in the air between them and finally Rafael gulps before looking to the teenage apparition beside him. It’s eyes are cold and mean as they look hard into Rafael’s own. His own, lonely future couldn’t make him as depressed as knowing Olivia could be just as alone.

“Why are you showing me this? This is her future, not my own. Why make me see this?” Rafael pleads with his guide, imploring him to end this tortuous journey they are on. 

“Your future and hers are intertwined. What choices you make, and paths you take, determine what happens in her future.” There is only truth in to the words spoken, no judgement to be found. “I can show you the futures should you take your life on a new path.”

The phone, more tapping, change of scene. It was getting old.

Now they stand back in the living area of Rafael’s apartment, just a much more festive version of the one he went to sleep in. The smell is like just like one would imagine Christmas to smell like. Cinnamon rolls are cooling on the counter with mugs of hot coffee nearby. 

From around the corner comes this visions Rafael, clad in flannel pajamas bottoms and a plain t-shirt. Strangely, this version of him is smiling, happily. Did they hear humming too? Was this person really Rafael?

“Mijo, nena! Don’t you want to see what Santa brought?” future!Rafael calls out.

Bewildered present!Rafael looks to the ghost for an explanation, “mijo? Nena? Who are they?”

The ghost looks back, aghast at how someone could really not know, “seriously?”

“Are you saying that Liv and Noah are back there,” the ghost might be smiling. “And are you trying to tell me that Olivia Benson is allowing me to call her baby and call her son my own?”

When the teenage ghost just stands there Rafael begins to shake his head in disbelief. It can’t be so. This cannot be. It simple isn’t possible.

Was it?

“This isn’t how my future could be, you’re lying.”

Pulling out the phone the ghost returns them back to present!Rafael’s bedroom in the dark of the night, “why would I do that?”

“I don’t know, why do any of this?” Rafael wonders, flustered and irritated.

The ghost turns on him then, seeming more like an eternal being than a teenager’s ghost now, “look, you can’t believe whatever you want but you know I’m right. You continue living like you are now and there is no happiness for you. Only work. I don’t care how your future turns out, it doesn’t matter to me. But, it does matter to you, and those who choose, for some unknown reason, to be around you. So make your choice and make it right.”

And Rafael is alone. It feels worse than it had before.

Climbing back into bed, back beneath the covers Rafael closes his eyes and hopes for sleep.

It must come to him at some point because he wakes up again. Still in bed and still alone. It’s Christmas Eve, he remembers now. Olivia had invited him over, telling him to stay the night too, spend the days with her and Noah.

Their friendship is rebuilding itself after he left the DA’s office last year. Rafael has never wanted anyone like he wants those two people but he is so afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of failure. Afraid of loss.

This morning he realizes he is more afraid of regret and not knowing. The ghost, even if it was just some silly dream, is right. Rafael is going to make the best choice today, he will spend it with Olivia and Noah, and he will love them.

Grappling over to his nightstand Rafael grabs for his phone. Without a single thought Rafael dials Liv.

A few rings later and Olivia’s voice is in his ear, “Benson?”

It comes out as a question, she is just waking up. Her voice is deeper and rougher with the sleep still in it. Rafael’s smile is stupid.

His greeting is lovesick, “hey,” Rafa says on a sigh.

“Hey Rafa!” Olivia’s voice is cheerier in a moment in response to hearing his.

“Is that invitation still open at the Benson household? You two still good with a guest?” Okay, he is still afraid of rejection.

There’s a rustling as Liv shifts in bed, sitting up now, “really? You’ll come over?”

The level of excitement Rafael hears in Liv’s voice makes him oh so happy but terribly distraught at the same time, did he really blow her and Noah off so much that it was a genuine surprise when he didn’t? God, he is going to make it up to them. For the rest of their lives.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This kind of fizzled out, if I'm honest. So sorry about that.

After he knocks the front door is wrenched open by both Bensons, excited to welcome their guest, “Rafa!”

He attempts a wave but is unable to lift his arms as they are weighted down by a multitude of gifts in bags hanging from each forearm. There is a lot of rustling as Raf tries to shift the items around, rather unsuccessfully. All the effort Rafael puts into trying to fit both bags on one arm ends with one bag on the floor.

Nervous, but doing his best to hide it, Raf laughs off his behavior before finally greeting his welcoming party, “good morning, I hope it’s okay that I’m forcing my way into your holiday, and so last minute too!”

Maybe he isn’t hiding his nerves too well after all. 

Shaking her head Olivia laughs too, “don’t be silly Rafa, we want you here! Why else would I have invited you in the first place?” 

Finally Rafael crosses the threshold of the apartment. His dream, or journey, or whatever it was must still be effecting him because when he enters the Benson home it feels, good. It feels magical.

Lifting his arms ever so slightly Rafa asks Olivia, “do you mind if I put these down in your room? I didn’t have the chance to wrap all of them and I don’t want any peeking.” He casts a sidelong glance Noah’s way.

The boy looks deceptively innocent with his puppy dog eyes looking back. 

Settled, eventually, they enjoy festive holiday cheer among the three of them. First they watch a movie, A Muppet Christmas Carol, while they eat the breakfast Raf had picked up on his way over. When the film ends they find themselves huddled together on the couch. Noah between Liv and Raf.

In tandem with tiny Tim Noah states, “God bless us, every one.”

Instinctually Rafael squeezes the boy tighter to his body. Olivia’s instincts must have directed her to do the same and she and Raf find themselves nearly on top of one another. Rafael isn’t bothered by the lack of personal space, and it seems neither is Olivia, she doesn’t move away.

The whole day they spend together, like a family. Rafael doesn’t recall ever having a happier Christmas time.

After talking Rafael into reading him The Night Before Christmas Noah falls asleep, leaving Rafa and Olivia by themselves.

Liv moves past Rafael in the kitchen, fixing herself a glass of wine to enjoy. He catches her hand while she’s on her way by. For several moments they just study each other in silence.

Rafael breaks it, “thank you, Olivia, for including me. Thank you for everything really.”

Turning her body so she faces him fully Liv smiles with one corner of her mouth while shaking her head, “no Raf, thank you for coming, for not shutting me out. I don’t know what I would have done if I lost you completely.”

He knows what she is referring to, that day last February, and remembers how close he had come to just leaving everything behind, not wanting to drag those still around down while he was sinking. Olivia is the best thing that has ever happened to him, and she doesn’t know it. Rafael needs to tell her. 

“I will never make you find out Liv, I promise.” His other hand finds the courage to caress her cheek, “I don’t think I would survive without you Olivia. These past ten months have been some of the hardest of my life and the only bright spot has been you and Noah and -” Raf is cut off by Noah calling for Liv.

By the time Olivia re-emerges from her son’s room Rafael isn’t where she left him any longer. Liv feels a panic well up inside her for some seconds, thinking he may have slipped out without saying goodbye. But then she breaths and thinks about what he was saying to her in the kitchen. He was making her a promise, and he had always kept his word with her before, she refuses to doubt him now. 

Stepping from the kitchen Liv strains her ears and listens, she can hear some movement from her room, so that’s where she goes.

And he is there, rummaging through the bags that had been hidden early on in the day. 

“Rafa who are all those presents for?” Olivia wonders, for the first time taking stock of just how many there are. And it’s a lot.

With blushing cheeks he peers at Liv from the corner of his eye, “well, mostly Noah, but there are quite a few for you too.”

She steps closer to him, “when on earth did you buy all of these?” Her hand is on his back now as she stands fully behind him, definitely not trying to spy a look at any of her presents.

Rafael feels light-headed by Liv’s proximity, he might lean into her body even further. His face is turned away though, blush deepening.

“I don’t know, there just silly things I saw going about my day to day for the past few months, I guess. Things that made me think of you or Noah.” He sighs and spins to face her, bracing himself with a hand at her waist, “I couldn’t bring myself to give them to you, I didn’t know how you’d feel about it.”

Liv’s hand, which started resting over Rafael’s hand at her waist, has snaked up to rest against the side of his neck. But his words confuse her, make her heart heavier. 

“What do you mean? I don’t think I would ever feel like turning down a gift from my best friend. Sorry I’ve been a bit distant, work has been difficult lately, I’m still not fully adjusted to being without my partner.”

With wide eyes Rafael’s breathing hitches, “Liv,” he croaks out. “I’m so sorry, I messed everything up, then I was so caught up in my own situation that I didn’t think of yours. Please forgive me? I promise you I’ll never leave like that again.”

Bolstering himself Rafa takes deep, grounding, breaths, “I never want to leave you again, ever.” The looks in Raf’s eyes conveys more than his words, with such longing Olivia sees his love and want for her, for them, for a family.

There aren’t tears in her eyes, Liv will insist firmly later when Rafael recounts what happened that Christmas Eve. Rafael will always tell the story saying she had tears in her eyes by now, it’s a point of contention. 

“This is going to sound absolutely mad, but, I had this dream? last night. And the ghost of Christmas Future came to visit me. It felt so real, Olivia. And I hated what I saw if I kept pushing you away, kept trying to ‘save’ you from me. But the ghost showed me what could happen if I stopped that and took a chance.”

Those wet drops sliding over her cheeks are not tears, she had something in her eye.

“So I did what I wanted but thought I didn’t deserve, I took you up on this invitation, and if it’s okay with you I would very much like to kiss you. Then we can get to celebrating those future Christmases I dreamt about.”

Liv will relent by this point in the retelling, she is crying by now, but only a little. Using the hand already at his neck she tugs Raf into her. And then they are kissing, and it is everything either of them had hoped it would be.

Once it ends Rafael drops his forehead to Liv’s, “Olivia, I love you.”

Sniffling Liv nods, “I might be starting to believe in Santa again, he brought me my Christmas wish.”

“A Christmas miracle,” Rafael says wistfully, nosing the line of her jaw. 

Olivia cradles Rafa’s head between both palms as he continues to nudge, nibble, and kiss any skin he can, “tell me more about this dream you had. What kind of Christmases do I have to look forward to.” 

Laughter tickles Olivia’s throat from Rafa as his lips press to her skin, “well, how do you feel about pet names?”

She tosses her head back laughing at the unexpected question, “not sure what this has to do with anything but, I’m fine with them. Why?”

Pulling back, just enough to look at her, Rafael tells her, “hmm, in the dream you did let me call you baby. And now I’m kind of looking forward to it. Do you have a preference of English or Spanish, because I was using Spanish in the dream.”

He is thoroughly enjoying how close they are staying to each other, having wanted this for so long. Liv seems perfectly content to be in this shared space.

“Spanish, definitely Spanish. It has always done things to me.” Olivia tells him her pick of language. Then she is leaning back into him, kissing him once more, “I love you too Rafa.”

So on Christmas Eve Rafael and Olivia find what they have been searching for for so long now, each other. They play Santa together, quietly placing Noah’s presents beneath the tree. Once their covert mission is complete they fall into bed, wrapped around one another.

Christmas morning come quickly, and early. Noah excited for the treasures that await him. Noah tears through every present with alarming speed. With each one the boy gets incredibly happy, and thankful to his mom and his Rafa for all that they gave him.

When Noah finally tires himself out he is resting his full body over Rafael’s, into the older man’s chest Noah mumbles, “this is the best Christmas ever!” 

Running fingers from one hand through the mess of curls Raf inquires, “is that so? What was the best part?”

The answer seems easy for the boy, it comes without hesitation, “having you here with Mama and me.”

Rafael can’t help but agree with Noah, this has been the best Christmas ever, celebrating with Liv and Noah has been its own gift, with its own magic.

“That was my favorite part too amigo,” Rafa presses a kiss to Noah’s forehead, “I love you Noah.”

“Love you Mama, love you Rafa,” Noah’s eyes have slipped closed, his fist grabs at the material of Rafael’s t-shirt, “don’t go.”

He’s asleep before Rafael can answer but he does anyway, “no, I’m not going anywhere.”

Their next Christmas is spent in Rafael’s apartment. It is actually all of theirs by now, since Olivia and Noah moved in over the summer. Rafa forgets the cinnamon rolls.

He doesn’t make that mistake two years in a row, though. And when he is changing into his pajamas, new bottoms to match with Noah, Rafael tries to figure out why they look so familiar to him.

It is the next morning that Rafa figures it out, “mijo, nena! Don’t you want to see what Santa brought?” 

When he says those words he remembers the dream that he had two years ago, that dream that gave him the courage to do something with his feelings. Christmases future are something Rafael, Olivia, and Noah will all look forward to since they all finally found each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the nice comments, and read throughs. I love y'all  
> xx

**Author's Note:**

> I've got more coming, I promise!!  
> xx


End file.
